Power Point Presentation

Emotional Intelligence & Emotion Coaching Acknowledgements: ‘Tuning in to Kids’ – Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley ‘Bringing Up Great Kids’ – Australian Childhood Foundation Dr John Gottman - ‘Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child’ Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson - ‘The Whole-Brain Child’ Presented by Maria Hutchings (NECAMHS)

What is Emotional Intelligence? The ability to:  identify and understand your own emotions  successfully use emotions during social interactions  use your emotional awareness to guide you when

solving problems  deal with frustration and be able to wait to get what you

want  keep distress from overwhelming your ability to think  be in control of how and when you express feelings

Emotional Intelligence

Why is emotional intelligence important?  It allows you to have awareness and control over what you

do  Results in lower levels of stress, which is associated with

better health & stronger immune systems  Enables more satisfying friendships and lasting intimate

relationships  You can soothe yourself, and are therefore able to calmly

focus, concentrate and think when faced with a challenging situation  Makes you more resilient – change and stress are easier to

deal with

How emotional intelligence develops  Influenced by environment and socialisation including

parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and childcare workers.  Some children born with more difficult reactive

emotional styles.  These children may need more input from

parents/carers to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles

Brain Basics - horizontal

 Left side  Logical thinking  Organising thoughts into sentences  Right side  Experience emotions  Reading non-verbal cues

Left and Right Brain

Chapter 2. The message centre

Bringing Up Great Kids

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Lateral Brain Development

Chapter 2. The message centre

Bringing Up Great Kids

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Bottom-up Brain Development

Chapter 2. The message centre

Bringing Up Great Kids

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Brain basics – vertical  ‘reptile brain’ – ‘downstairs brain’  Acts instinctually  Makes split second survival decisions  Brain stem and limbic region  Amygdala – allows us to act before we think

 ‘mammal brain’ – ‘upstairs brain’  Leads us toward connection and relationships

 Allows us to think before we act

Dan Seigel – hand model of brain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk

Integration  Different parts working together in a coordinated, balanced

way  Horizontal integration  Left brain logic with right brain emotion

 Vertical integration  Higher thoughtful parts with lower gut reaction and survival

parts

Brain plasticity  Brain physically changes throughout our lives  Experiences change the physical structure of the brain  100 billion nerve cells with ten thousand connections

Emotional management styles  Dismissive  Disapproving  Laissez-Faire  Emotion coaching

* John Gottman DVD – parenting styles.

Five Key Steps to Emotion Coaching 1.

Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or frustration.

2.

View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of negative emotions

3.

Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these emotions

4.

Help child use words to describe what they feel.

5.

Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but some behaviours are not.

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity, which reduces the need for children to escalate their emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal time to teach children about emotions. 2. If children are emotion coached from an early age they become well-practiced at self-soothing. They are more likely to stay calm, even when they are experiencing strong emotions.

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of children’s emotions so there are fewer points of conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and the consequences for breaking them. 4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are more responsive to their requests and feel respected and valued.

Discuss  Thinking about your own parents or reflecting on

conversations with friends …  What are some of the ways people can be dismissive of

emotions?  Eg

Telling you not to worry.

Ways of dismissing emotions  Offer advice  Ask why a child did or said what they did  Tell a child not to worry

 Talk only about yourself  Jump straight into problem solving  Take the side of the other person instead of listening to

the child’s perspective  Offer distractions

Emotion coaching communication When you emotion coach you attend to the emotions the child experiences. This involves:  Thinking about how the child is probably feeling  Possibly considering a comparable situation for yourself  Helping the child put a verbal label on the feeling.

 Emotion detective activity

Emotion coaching communication You may respond by asking:  Did that make you feel _____ when ______?  Were you feeling ______ when _______?  It sounds like that made you feel _________?

You may also respond by reflecting how you would feel in a similar situation  That would make me feel ______ too.  It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens also.

Reflecting Feelings Statements  It looks like you’re very happy.

 You seem a bit sad.  I can see you are very frustrated.  Are you feeling annoyed?  It sounds like you were really scared.  How did you feel when your toy was taken?  I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed?  I bet that made you pretty grumpy.

Emotion Coaching

Empathic Statements

Name the =

Feeling

Validate the +

Feeling

Emotion Coaching

Can pair comments about negative feelings with positive coping statements

Eg. “I can see you’re getting really frustrated when the tower keeps falling over but you keep on trying and hopefully it will stay up eventually.”

Avoid asking “Why?” Avoid asking a child why they are feeling a certain way because they will often have no idea or not have the words to describe the reason.

Tantrums  Upstairs tantrum  Child decides to throw a fit  Could stop if they wanted to  Able to control emotions and make decisions  May look out of control  Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about

appropriate and inappropriate behaviour

 Downstairs tantrum  No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset  ‘flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of

brain  Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing  No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour

Emotion coaching scenarios  You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on Jordan’s

picture. Jordan gets angry and hits Braydon.  Harry comes in from playing outside crying and saying

that he’s lost his jumper  Sally suddenly scribbles all over her drawing and says ‘ I

can’t draw I’m so stupid’.

Emotional Intelligence

Brain Structures

Resources  Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by

Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne, 2010)  Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting

by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997)  The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture

Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011)  Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian

Childhood Foundation (2011)