Intimacy: Developing and Experiencing

Chapter 5: Intimacy: Developing and Experiencing Affectionate Bonds

Intimacy Needs • Intimacy refers to – The reciprocity of trust between partners – Emotional closeness – Levels of self-disclosure between partners • Both partners are comfortable • Can openly share their thoughts and feelings

Intimacy Needs • Need for affiliation – Need to have relationships • Need fulfillment – Drive for interpersonal relations – Fulfilling psychological needs

Figure 5.1: The Many Contexts of Intimacy

Psychological Needs • Intimacy – Drives us to share our innermost feelings with others • Social Integration – Needs that make us want to be part of a group • Nurture – Need to care and be cared for • Assistance – The need for assistance from others • Reassurance – Need to know we are wanted, needed and loved

Intimacy is Multi-contextual

• Immediate Context – The physical setting in which couples interact • Personal Context – Personality traits, attitudes and belief about the relationship • Relational Context – Companionship, trust, level of commitment, needs for intimacy • Group Context – Social network of family, friends, peers, neighbors • Sociocultural Context – Norms, beliefs and ideals of the culture and subculture

Emotional Attachment • Emotional attachment is characterized by feelings that promote a sense of closeness, bonding, and connection • Three parts of Intimacy – Disclosing things that are personal and private – Experiencing positive feelings about each other – Having interpersonal interactions that improve understandings of each other

Components of Intimacy 1. Conflict Resolution: resolution of differences of opinion 2. Affection: showing feelings of emotional closeness 3. Cohesion: commitment to the relationship 4. Sexuality: communicating and fulfilling sexual needs

Components of Intimacy 1. Identity: not losing individual identity to couple identity 2. Compatibility: how partners relate to one another at work and play 3. Expressiveness: sharing personal thoughts, beliefs, feelings 4. Autonomy: independence and personal space

Types of Intimates • Intimate – Capable of experiencing closeness, forming an emotional attachment to another, committed to depth in a relationship

• Pseudo-intimate – Appears to be intimate but lacks depth, never progress beyond friendship, relationships are doomed from the outset

Types of Intimates • Pre-intimates – Capable of intimacy, but lack the ability to sustain long-term relationships • Stereotyped relationships – Has many casual relationships but these lack depth and commitment • Isolates – Socially withdrawn with no need for close interpersonal relationships

Figure 5.1: Erikson’s Developmental Stages

Formation of Peer Groups • Stage One: Pre-Crowd Stage – Kindergarten through fifth grade – Same-sex peer groups: cliques • Stage Two: The Beginning of the Crowd – Sixth grade beginning of seventh grade – Shift to crowds of 10 or more members – Practice interacting with opposite sex • Stage Three: The Crowd in Transition – End of 8th grade - beginning of 9th grade – Smaller cliques are formed – Pairing off into boy/girl couples

Formation of Peer Groups • Stage Four: The Fully Developed Crowd – Made up of opposite-sex cliques – Socialization into gender role characteristics • Stage Five: Crowd Disintegration – Adolescents mature into adulthood – Become involved in serious intimate relationships – Friendships become loosely associated

Adolescent/Young Adult Psychosocial Development • Establishing an Identity – Beginning of individuation – Development of understanding of themselves – Clearer sense of values, beliefs, and their relationship expectations • Establishing Autonomy – Establishing a sense of independence – Taking responsibility for their own actions

Adolescent/Young Adult Psychosocial Development • Establishing Intimacy – Friendships become more significant – Intimacy experiences differ for males and females • Females attach more emotional importance • Females emphasize mutual understanding • Females discuss problems and activities • Males emphasize activity and achievement • Males discuss hobbies and sports more

Adolescent/Young Adult Psychosocial Development • Establishing Comfort with Sexuality – Capacity to have intimate relationships changes – Sexual intimacy is now possible • Early Adulthood – Referred to as the bridge years – Deeper intimacy in interpersonal relationships

Figure 5.2: Percentage of College Students who have same-group Friendships

Figure 5.3: Positive Feelings toward different Races: First Year in College Compared to Fourth Year in College

Obstacles to Intimacy • Barriers to Developing Intimacy – Family Environment • Key to individuals capacity to experience intimacy – Family can be too emotionally close – Family environment may not encourage intimacy or emotions

– Past Families and Past Experiences • Patterns of relational functioning are passed down from generation to generation • Intimacy patterns are replicated with spouses, friends, and significant others

Obstacles to Intimacy • Barriers to Establishing and Maintaining Intimacy • Fear of Intimacy is manifested in many ways – Fear of failure – Fear of being vulnerable – Fear of rejection – Fear of being smothered in relationship – Fear of sex

Obstacles to Intimacy • Fear of Intimacy – Fear of losing someone we love – Fear to take a risk – Fear of accepting responsibility – Fear of anger or hostility – Fear of abandonment – Fear of being found out

Obstacles to Intimacy • Barriers to Establishing and Maintaining Intimacy – Communication • Crucial to the process of personal sharing • Familial intimacy is not possible without effective communication • Requires personal self disclosure to promote reciprocal sharing

Table 5.2: Miller Social Intimacy Scale (MSIS)

Table 5.2: Miller Social Intimacy Scale (MSIS)